My Thoughts On.... Her

I got a call a while ago. It was from a friend that I don’t speak to often, but one that I will love always. She was crying. He had cheated. It was over. She was broken. I cried as if it were me…. but not the betrayed……. as if I were the one that was responsible for her pain. And somehow I felt that I was, because I was responsible for some woman’s pain. At one time it was my fault, and I have to confess, I never even thought….

Sure I thought about how stupid I was….. how I was wasting my time…. how I was wagering my soul….. how I might feel if it ever happened to me, and how all three of our lives would be if he had left. But none of that was about her.

I never thought about her. Not even once. I never thought about the way she must have stumbled up to her bed after a long day and fallen into it fully clothed because it felt like the only safe place she had left in the world. I never thought about how she must have caught a sideways glance of her son and shook her head because, at that moment, he looked EXACTLY like his father. I never thought about the days when she daydreamed about rocking on a porch with him in 40 years, while she sipped her coffee on the way to work. The excitement she got when they bought their first house, or how she knew it meant forever when they bought their second one.

I recently confessed this situation to an old friend over IM. His response shook me, “have you forgiven yourself”? I quickly responded that I thought I had, but that wasn’t really true. The truth was, that I never really blamed myself… I only wanted to be loved after all… but I always, ALWAYS knew that one day I would. I figured that one day, if it happened to me, I would know why. But on this particular day…. as my friend’s heart poured through the telephone, as a little piece of her seemed to be dying inside…. I realized… it was my fault.

I was selfish, I was young, I was searching, I felt entitled…… and since it wasn’t mine to ruin…. I really didn’t care.

My friend won’t know my story unless she reads this blog entry, because I felt too guilty to tell her. Because it seems that somehow… she has received my punishment.

And as I support my friend in rebuilding her life, I also work to rebuild my own ideas of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I stop seeing that young girl as someone to envy, and appreciate the woman who recognizes what love is, and what it isn’t. And I also pray for “her”, that she is happy, that she is blessed, and that she is truly and singularly loved.