My Thoughts On.... Her

I got a call a while ago. It was from a friend that I don’t speak to often, but one that I will love always. She was crying. He had cheated. It was over. She was broken. I cried as if it were me…. but not the betrayed……. as if I were the one that was responsible for her pain. And somehow I felt that I was, because I was responsible for some woman’s pain. At one time it was my fault, and I have to confess, I never even thought….

Sure I thought about how stupid I was….. how I was wasting my time…. how I was wagering my soul….. how I might feel if it ever happened to me, and how all three of our lives would be if he had left. But none of that was about her.

I never thought about her. Not even once. I never thought about the way she must have stumbled up to her bed after a long day and fallen into it fully clothed because it felt like the only safe place she had left in the world. I never thought about how she must have caught a sideways glance of her son and shook her head because, at that moment, he looked EXACTLY like his father. I never thought about the days when she daydreamed about rocking on a porch with him in 40 years, while she sipped her coffee on the way to work. The excitement she got when they bought their first house, or how she knew it meant forever when they bought their second one.

I recently confessed this situation to an old friend over IM. His response shook me, “have you forgiven yourself”? I quickly responded that I thought I had, but that wasn’t really true. The truth was, that I never really blamed myself… I only wanted to be loved after all… but I always, ALWAYS knew that one day I would. I figured that one day, if it happened to me, I would know why. But on this particular day…. as my friend’s heart poured through the telephone, as a little piece of her seemed to be dying inside…. I realized… it was my fault.

I was selfish, I was young, I was searching, I felt entitled…… and since it wasn’t mine to ruin…. I really didn’t care.

My friend won’t know my story unless she reads this blog entry, because I felt too guilty to tell her. Because it seems that somehow… she has received my punishment.

And as I support my friend in rebuilding her life, I also work to rebuild my own ideas of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I stop seeing that young girl as someone to envy, and appreciate the woman who recognizes what love is, and what it isn’t. And I also pray for “her”, that she is happy, that she is blessed, and that she is truly and singularly loved.

Thoughts on...... His Fatherhood

I am starting this blog on my father’s 50^th birthday, and as I face the realization that in six months, I will be 30. And tears just filled my eyes as I wrote that. Tears that carry the memories of the first time I felt fatherless….. and how sad it is that it happened as he sat reading in the next room. Tears that remind me of the last time I felt fatherless…… as my little brother walked me down the isle.

I am amazed by the way that one person in your life can hold so much emotional weight…… and crazed that so many fatherless children grow up to create children and then neglect to father them. As the child we see only one point of view. We see that the big house and bigger gifts weren’t a substitute for love, we see that we failed somehow, that we weren’t worth the sacrifice it takes to love. And we never give up. As a person that so easily cuts people off, that is personally the most tragic…. That we never truly give up on our daddies.

When I thought about my father today, I thought about his 29^th Birthday. I was eight. My mom, little sister, and I waited for him to come home so that we could give him his gift and have cake. I remember that when he came home, he was sad. This is a memory that is fresh in my mind lately (probably because I am 29) ….and it got me thinking…. my childhood, was also his fatherhood. It was a time when he had to face his own feelings, his own fatherlessness, a time when he questioned whether his success was enough, if he would ever be happy…….. and where he was afraid to love completely, because he had loved and lost before.

I didn’t make excuses for my father today, I just thought about how human he is. And how even the great ones fail sometimes. About how even though he may have failed to give me everything I needed, he probably gave me everything he could. Somehow, today, that is enough. Somehow, believing that he wanted to love me the way I needed him to, gives me peace. And that peace concerning the first heartbreak of my life, makes me less fearful to love completely in my marriage …… And even more thankful that I married my man. A man who fathers from the heart when no one is looking. A man who looks to God as his own father. And as I remember to do the same, I heal.

Thoughts on...... The Madonna and the Whore

Growing up, I think I truly believed that the only thing more sinful than having pre-marital sex was committing a brutal mass murder. As an adult, after a bout with amnesia (for at least a few minutes-lol), I truly believed that if I took a post-coital nap and died in my sleep without the opportunity to repent, I would certainly burn in hell. It was drilled into me so deeply, that I even felt that heart-pounding guilt the first couple times after being married. Shoot, I still make up an excuse to my sister for why I didn't answer my phone so I never have to say, "I was having sex".

I so often hear men talk about a girl they can "take home to mom". Doctrine preached from pulpits is the same today as it was when I was a child. The doctrine that makes women who are no longer "pure" feel like their life (and love) is less meaningful. Valuing that one moment between virginity and "impurity" more than finding out what girls were really looking for in the first place when they found sex, is not an approach I support.

Men understandably want a girl they can “take home to mom”. But what does that really mean? Sure, most men don't want a woman who's slept with half of the male population, but do they really want a virgin? Do men, even those who are virgins themselves, secretly fantasize about a wedding night of timid apprehension, a partner in pain, and the possibility of failed consummation? I don't know about that. And how satisfied will a man with a previously passionate and wildly fulfilling sex-life feel with someone who doesn't bring to the marriage anything sexually innovative? Should a woman feel like she is less worthy of being husbanded because she is sexually experienced? Isn't it true that even in a church family there is a certain age where a woman goes from being admired for maintaining her virginity......to being pitied? And I wonder if anyone has ever pinpointed the exact reason for and moment when "wow, I married a virgin", turns to "damn, can we try something new?". I just question whether our mothers, preachers, and teachers are telling us the whole story here. What do men really want? The Madonna or the Whore???

The Whore, after all, is anything but boring. She can probably teach her man a few tricks if you think about it. I mean, have you ever heard a married man complaining about an exciting sex-life (that most people can only experience through a naughty web search) every night at home? It's true, even if she has changed her ways, it might wear on him that several men, maybe even some he knows, have experienced the exact same pleasure. She may have some problems with true intimacy......he may constantly wonder if she's cheating...... Ooooh, and he may feel a bit paranoid about how he "stacks up" against the countless others. It could be a confidence killer I guess..... I just don't hear many pastors (many of which have had several missteps of their own) encouraging women who have had missteps by telling the story of Mary Magdalene and how important she ended up being to Jesus. And the Bible doesn't tell the rest of her life story, but I'm sure she went on to get married and have a sex life that was off-the-chain :).

Of course, it is beautiful to value your spirit, your self as a sexual being, valuing your body, and valuing your life.......... and maintaining your virginity is very symbolic of all of that. I'm just saying that you can still do that even if you are no longer a virgin. Even if you're married. EVEN if you were previously a Whore! And a virgin can fail to do that by saving herself for someone who, because he hasn't saved himself, doesn't really think that they are enough. A woman who saves herself, should do so for herself and her commitment to God. If she saves herself for her husband, she just may find herself in her own "confidence killing" situation.

It needs to be stated, for the record, that most women (even those who have not officially had sex) don't fall into the category of either the Madonna or the Whore. Most of us (especially the longer we remain single), fall somewhere in the middle.

After years of gilt, and a few instances I've blocked out, I value the fact that I have had experiences. All of our experiences, sexual ones included, make up who we are today. I was not the Madonna, and I wasn't a Whore. I am now a devoted wife and mother. In fact, by age 27 I was married with three kids. Some might think that I was too young, that I haven't lived...... but I don't think I'll ever feel like I missed out. I had a ton of fun pre-marriage........ in fact, I had just enough to remember that it wasn't always all that fun. Living that life makes me value the life I have now. Having had sex, makes me truly value making love. Perhaps being experienced has helped eliminate the insecurity that some woman will endanger my marriage because she is comfortable doing something that I know nothing about........And not being too experienced has helped me to not scare my man to death by introducing something HE knows nothing about.(HA!)

I think that what men really want, depends on the man. Most often it isn't the Madonna, and it isn't the Whore. Men want someone who is honest. Someone that they can relate to. Someone who is flawed, and someone who loves him without regard to his flaws. Someone strong yet soft.......confident yet humble. Someone they can grow with both spiritually and sexually. The choice to keep or lose one's virginity should not simply be based on whether or not someone asks for it. And I think the key, whether a woman is a virgin or not, is that the choice to give yourself in marriage shouldn't simply be based on whether or not someone asks either.

Thoughts on...... The eX-Factor

Almost all of us have them.....Memories of the firsts, the lasts, how we learned to love, how we learned to be strong, how we learned to heal. Relationships that shook us, those that made us a little tougher, and those that almost ran us over. Relationships without which, we wouldn't be who we are today. So....when you're ready to build a life with one person, what happens to the memories and dare I say......the feelings? How often do people love only one person during the course of their life and marry them and live happily ever after anyway? For most of us it doesn't happen that way, so it begs the question: How much does the eX-Factor factor?

About two weeks after my husband proposed, he announced to me that he was cutting off any and all women that he may have ever had feelings for or that may have ever had feelings for him. I thought this was a bit drastic, but he felt led to do so by God. That being said, I hadn't yet received a message from God, and I didn't have any problem with exes (ok, I know, but that one was already notified), so that would be his thing. A few days later, I got a call from a guy friend that "used to like me junior year". We started talking and laughing and TOTALLY proving my point. How could I remove someone from my life that I get along with great and always makes me laugh? The man that says he loves me more than life should totally understand. I told my friend about my upcoming wedding and how excited I was, and long story short, the conversation ended in a really weird and unexpected argument.....yes, argument!

Was my friend just concerned that I was too young to make such a commitment? Did he simply remember me saying at one point that I would probably never choose to marry? Or was I delusional to think that a man and woman who had never even kissed could be platonic friends? Are we only friends with people that we think we could possibly end up with one day? And if I couldn't be "just friends" with someone that I wasn't even physically attracted to, then would I have to refrain from male relationships all together as long as they existed outside my circle of confirmed blood relatives? And here..... come..... the questions........

Sure, it is a fact that some exes have ruined some relationships. Clearly, if this person was first-runner-up in the love of your life contest, then you probably shouldn't keep them around. But if you are truly in love and committed to the one you're with, then what harm is a phone conversation with a former flame that you have no current feelings for?

One of my pre-marriage experiences contradicts this a bit..... I was told things that a married ex should NEVER have been telling me. If his wife knew, I'm sure she would have DIED! Although the qualities that pushed me out of the relationship were of course only magnified by the fact that he was now married (and that he couldn't keep an intimate secret), I have to admit, it kind of brightened up my day to hear that he had such huge regrets and that the woman had major issues (cruel perhaps....but honest). The danger I posed as an ex, was not that I would try to take her man, but that I walked around feeling that I could.

I would never want to make anyone, let alone the person that I promised before God to love forever feel that way......but were exes all bad? Surely we could protect our current relationships by refraining from over-sharing and trips down memory lane. After all, our exes taught us how to communicate, how to feel, how to support, how to show love, how to apologize, how to forgive, and lets face it........ they also taught us everything we know ;). So if we manage to build a great long-term relationship, that is in part, thanks to our exes isn't it? The memories, after all, are just lessons. And the old feelings were only a taste of what we would experience once truly in love.

Well, after much evaluating, I did end up cutting my male-friend circle down to a very spouse-approved few. I found that I was about to marry my favorite person to laugh with, the person I could tell everything, and the very best person to take down memory lane. Now.......I was thinking....... I clearly never cut my hubby out of my life when we were apart and in other relationships.......so how early in a relationship should you do this? My advice is.....do it when your SURE....not a second sooner, or a second later.......

OK, that's BULL ...SCRATCH IT! Do it when that fool has proposed! Because you KNOW that ten years with no friends AND no ring is not even a little cute!


I figure exes are sorta like text books......stay with me, I have a point...... Your life depends on them when it's time for you to learn, and even though you'll remember some of the lessons, you turn them in when you’re done because you just can't afford to keep them around anymore.

Thoughts on...... Mr Wrong

OK.........So, sometimes it's hard to write these blogs. I'm at a point in my life where I know who I am and for better or for worse, I'm open to share it with the world if I think it may be relatable to someone else. I also know, however, that some of the people that have helped create my story may not quite be at this point, so I'll try to stay as cryptic as possible......

I loved the wrong man once. He was tall, dark, and his body was ........oh so Greek :) I would like to say that things were great at first, but the truth is......the wrong man always has a way of showing you what you're getting into right up front.

After talking for months without a real first date, we spent Valentines weekend together. There was a first kiss.......and about a week later another. The problem? One of those kisses was not with me, it was with a random girl from one of his classes..........who I happened to have known since the 5th grade! Maybe it was because he had no idea we knew each other, perhaps the way he insisted that she was lying and I had simply confessed too much was truly convincing, or maybe I was just too naive at 19 to know better......but a few months later, I found myself right back with my new friend and out of contact with my old one.

Now, in the midst of one of the most happy times in my life, I find myself with a few regrets. One of these.......spending YEARS on and off and on again with Mr. Wrong. If you have been there, you know...... It kind of feels like you're drowning even though you know you can swim. It hurts so bad, but you trick yourself into thinking its worthwhile He said he loved me, and even though I knew it wasn't true.......it gave me this high. It felt almost better than hearing it from Mr Right. Then every time he silently proved that he couldn't care less, I allowed it to hurt even though I KNEW it was coming. I've always believed that I truly loved him once, but maybe I was just addicted to the pain.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I always (ok, after age 18) prided myself on knowing exactly how to handle men. I had figured out how to keep men that I knew wanted to sleep with me as friends, I had figured out how to stop um.....things even when it seemed to have gone too far, and I had even figured out how to go from friend to girlfriend myself. The one thing I could not figure out......how to get out of the throws of Mr Wrong. Did the insecure 6th grade girl I thought I had shed in high school just need to be treated like shit every once in a while for old times sake? I mean even after I had screamed and told him to NEVER call me again, he found me at work, looked into my eyes, and I just couldn't tell him to go away. When I was with someone else and we were friends, he would only call me, or send an "I miss you" e-mail the day after my boyfriend and I had a fight. How did he know this? Was fate or the devil at play here? Foolish as I knew it was, I just couldn't completely cut him off.

Thank God things change....

The last time I saw him, I had something to tell him. Our story would not end like Carrie and Mr Big's......... I was engaged (to my Aiden:) )! There would be no break-up for him to swoop in and rescue me from this time. It was finally over. I felt relieved. I knew that finally allowing my love to flow free for Mr Right had at last released me from Mr Wrong. I mean, what was I thinking keeping a guy in my life that was still unsure what he wanted after YEARS, when I had a man that I truly loved knowing for so long that he wanted to call me his WIFE? I had seen the light, and it finally felt like the happy ending to a fairy tale (with a curvy black princess! LOL).

Lately, though, I don't see it that way at all. I feel a little sad about how my story ended. It actually was like one of those stupid fairy tales that teach little girls to put up with crap until some white knight comes to rescue them! And although all of that is romantic and sounds nice.... and although I'm really happy to be free and in love....... I wish that it didn't take the love of Mr Right to rescue me. I wish I had loved myself enough to rescue myself...... even when I didn't know if I would have a happily ever after. If I could do it all over....... I would somehow find the strength to break free. I would love myself enough to not answer the door when I SPECIFICALLY asked him to call before dropping by. I would love myself enough to walk over and introduce myself when I saw him in the distance giving someone a suspicious hug. AND I would DEFINITELY love myself enough to never feel the guilt of fornication without even the hope of real satisfaction. (I probably could have left that part out huh?)

So if it's not too late for you........ Make the decision to love you right now. Stop waiting for something to happen and save yourself! Rescue you! You know when it's not what you're looking for! You know that people don't really change! You know that you probably won't be as hot in your 30s as you are in your 20s! You know that one of the other 6 billion people in the world is the perfect person for you........and believe me.......he's worth waiting for! (Feel free to reference my "satisfaction" comment now :) )

Thoughts on...... The Super-Christian

I decided to write this blog because I, ladies and gentlemen, have become cynical. Not about God, who He is, my purpose in life, or any of that. But I've become cynical about (and would rather eat a spoon full of poo than have a conversation with)......the Super-Christian.

Although the term itself wreaks of judgment, I write as a former Super-Christian myself. Many of you know that I myself was, after all (and despite my anti-Christian live-in father), raised to be the perfect Christian. I was saved at four, spoke in tongues when I was six, and decided on a water baptism at age eight. I went to church AT LEAST three days a week (and twice on Sunday), taught Sunday School, Children's Church and Vacation Bible school, went on the missions trips to Mexico, youth conventions twice a year, and I met with a team on Saturdays to witness to people on the beach. Being so involved masked my insecurities, but did not help me deal with them because somehow, the more I did, the more unworthy I felt. There wasn't really time to develop my personal relationship with God, and it became easier to just take the pastor's studies as my own instead of getting to know God for myself.

Well, let me tell you....I entered High School fully Christified. I invited my friends to youth group every Friday, and totally ran my mouth.......I mean, spread the word of God relating to girls that were, well, less than holy. I was "super" all right. A thought..... You know how it would be no fun to be pretty if there weren't any ugly people, or rich if no one were poor? I wonder if all that work you go through to be holy only makes you feel good if you make other people feel unholy. It sure eases the insecurity to look at all of the people that are DEFINITELY going to hell.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that it doesn't account for people's feelings, their struggles, their past, or their pain. God is not arrogant, he is loving. How can one call themselves a Christian if they spread only God's condemnation and not his love? Is it possible to teach someone to be a "super" Christian without teaching them how to be a compassionate person? What about this "us against them" attitude is Christ-like?

Living life has taught me that I don't have and never had any right to "super" status. Only God really knows our hearts, our pains, our hurts, and the things we have overcome. You can't earn salvation. Salvation is a free gift, and all we have to do is accept it. All Christians should realize that people can see us even if we think our masks are thick enough to hide our truth. If our life is the true example of God's love, then we won't be able to stop people from coming to us to find out more.

It would be easy for me to write a blog condemning people who have pre-marital sex because I'm married now, or abortions because I never had one...... to never use curse words in my blogs and proclaim my holiness because most of you don't talk to me in real life. But the truth is I'm dramatic, quick-witted, I make decisions about people way too fast, I still wear low-cut shirts, I always know how to get what I want, and although God's love for me is perfect, my love for Him is flawed. I don't have a Jesus fish on my car, because it would be a shame for someone to change their view of what it is to love Jesus after I give them the finger in traffic. See?... I'm a trip and God loves me anyway. He even gave me a husband that truly loves me (despite myself), and 2 1/2 beautiful children. Not because I earned them, because I married a preacher's son, or because I clocked in more church hours than women who are still single..... it is because that was God's plan for me. God let me realize his plan even though I was far from super. Because of His mercy. Because of His is love. Because THAT is who God truly is.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."- Jeremiah 29:11

Thoughts on..... The Quarter-Life Crisis

This blog was written at the end of my 26th year, before I had my third son and started working toward my MS. It is dedicated to all of those living in the trying years that cap off the first quarter of life...

Did you know that I was President of my middle school? I also played the clarinet and flute, and I would sing for anyone that would listen. Ah, yes, back in the 8th grade I was ready to conquer the world. So of course a little girl like this would grow up to have a wonderful handsome husband (because my mother prayed for him), plenty of children (because that's what I really wanted), and a job as a cross between Oprah Winfrey and Mariah Carey (because that's who I was DESTINED to be).

Well...I got my handsome hubby, two kids so far (I think I'll be stopping at three), I've only worked behind the scenes of TV, and the thought of singing for people gives me an anxiety attack. Perhaps you're thinking that two out of the three (marriage, kids, job) 'aint bad, especially at age 26......So why do I feel like I fell behind somehow? Well... I'm not doing my pediatric residency like Chi-Chi, I never moved to New York City like Jaynelle, and about a third of my friends have their Master's degrees now.

Knowing that married women can NEVER really complain to their single friends (more on this in a future blog), and some married women act like they've reached the land of milk and honey and now they can die knowing that they're important or something because someone claimed they would love them forever...... I chose to focus on the positives in conversations with other twenty-something women. What I discovered when they began to share their problems, though, was SHOCKING! The women living the exciting life, wonder when they'll find prince charming and settle down......the married women with fabulous careers wonder when they'll have the time or energy to have babies .......and the women that somehow achieved all three by their mid-twenties, feel like having kids interferes with accomplishing a lot at work--and work is making them a terrible mother (and forget romance)!

This ladies and gents (I know you boys are reading) is what I like to refer to as the Quarter-Life Crisis.

Up until now, life has been very goal oriented. Step 1.....survive middle school. Step 2......graduate from high school. Step 3.....obtain your college degree. Step 4....... um....grad school? get a job? travel the world? marry? have kids? Who the heck knows??? No wonder we all feel lost. It's like we're somehow made to feel like we should have it all, and it should only have taken us those three to four years after college to get it. Who made up this rule???

Well....never being one to quite follow ALL the rules, I've made a decision. We are ONLY in our twenties! Who says we have to have it all figured out right now anyway? Not married yet? Well, many experts say that people should not get married until they are at least 30 because that's how long it takes to really know yourself. Not ready for kids? A first pregnancy isn't even considered late until age 35, and even after that many women go on to have healthy children. And my big-time career? I still have time to figure that out.......and wanna know a secret?......I wouldn't trade lives with Oprah or Mariah for all the money and fame in the world. Even they don't have all three and their Quarter-Life is a mere memory! (Anyway, I secretly love that my biggest fans show their admiration with big gummy smiles and drawings that have to be explained to me.)

After all, the Quarter-Life Crisis isn't really a crisis at all..... It's an opportunity to be thankful for the things we've accomplished, learn from the things we screwed up, and work towards getting wherever we want to be during our Mid-Life Crisis :).

Thoughts on...... The Other Woman

This article came about from talking to my married friends that have the idea of the other woman ALL wrong (in my humble opinion :) ). I know I am your shoulder to cry on because I withhold judgement and "keep it real". So....I am still withholding judgement, but honestly, I've been keeping it more polite than real. I offer you my apologies, and my thoughts....

I'll start by saying that if there is another woman involved in your relationship, the problem lies solely with you and your man. HOWEVER, there are some helpful tidbits that you should know about the infamous other woman. The first five are listed below:

#1- The other woman is extremely insecure. This woman dates the unavailable man because he can't reject her. Even if he stops seeing her or turns her down, she convinces herself that it is because he HAS to take care of his wife/family. If she were to face a relationship that could actually work out, she would have to deal with the possibility of rejection and failure. Use this to your advantage.

#2- The other woman preys on your insecurities. There is nothing more tempting or satisfying than getting a man that seems to be on a chokingly tight leash. If you are SO worried about your man cheating, then you must have a reason to be right? DO NOT treat every woman like she is a possible other woman. After all..."What we fear, we create". Be confident that he is yours, but not cocky......cockiness is the ULTIMATE sign of insecurity.....and girl, the other woman knows this.

#3- I debated even going here BUT the fact remains.....The other woman is willing to do things that you aren't. There is no "reason" to cheat on someone that you vowed before God to be faithful to. I just think we married woman should be open with our men, and be aware of this fact. My advise.....come up with a signature, something he can't find anywhere else. My signature???.....Ha! If I told you...... (WARNING: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT use your signature before he marries you. He'll enjoy it and say, "damn, I should marry you," but deep down he'll think you're a whore and inevitably, one day, out of the blue, he'll inform you that he's engaged to someone he can "bring home to mom".) I'm just saying...

#4- The other woman is not that damn fly.... If she was, she'd have her own man. If she DOES have her own man, then that trifflin negro you married is putting his and possibly YOUR life in danger, so stop reading this, and get him the hell up out your house! LOL..... No, but seriously.

#5- The other woman usually has nothing to lose....Women KILL me when they only keep their "pretty" friends away from their husbands. The women you can't trust are those ugly candy-apple shaped women with bad skin. Their lives are so pathetic, they are happy for the limited loveless attention they will get from a man that is totally and completely unavailable. Pretty girls at least have other options. Ugly girls are haters anyway. Stay away from them at all cost........ unless, of course, they somehow scored a gorgeous husband of their own.

Well, that's all for my very first blog. Look out for more....