Thoughts on...... The Madonna and the Whore

Growing up, I think I truly believed that the only thing more sinful than having pre-marital sex was committing a brutal mass murder. As an adult, after a bout with amnesia (for at least a few minutes-lol), I truly believed that if I took a post-coital nap and died in my sleep without the opportunity to repent, I would certainly burn in hell. It was drilled into me so deeply, that I even felt that heart-pounding guilt the first couple times after being married. Shoot, I still make up an excuse to my sister for why I didn't answer my phone so I never have to say, "I was having sex".

I so often hear men talk about a girl they can "take home to mom". Doctrine preached from pulpits is the same today as it was when I was a child. The doctrine that makes women who are no longer "pure" feel like their life (and love) is less meaningful. Valuing that one moment between virginity and "impurity" more than finding out what girls were really looking for in the first place when they found sex, is not an approach I support.

Men understandably want a girl they can “take home to mom”. But what does that really mean? Sure, most men don't want a woman who's slept with half of the male population, but do they really want a virgin? Do men, even those who are virgins themselves, secretly fantasize about a wedding night of timid apprehension, a partner in pain, and the possibility of failed consummation? I don't know about that. And how satisfied will a man with a previously passionate and wildly fulfilling sex-life feel with someone who doesn't bring to the marriage anything sexually innovative? Should a woman feel like she is less worthy of being husbanded because she is sexually experienced? Isn't it true that even in a church family there is a certain age where a woman goes from being admired for maintaining her virginity......to being pitied? And I wonder if anyone has ever pinpointed the exact reason for and moment when "wow, I married a virgin", turns to "damn, can we try something new?". I just question whether our mothers, preachers, and teachers are telling us the whole story here. What do men really want? The Madonna or the Whore???

The Whore, after all, is anything but boring. She can probably teach her man a few tricks if you think about it. I mean, have you ever heard a married man complaining about an exciting sex-life (that most people can only experience through a naughty web search) every night at home? It's true, even if she has changed her ways, it might wear on him that several men, maybe even some he knows, have experienced the exact same pleasure. She may have some problems with true intimacy......he may constantly wonder if she's cheating...... Ooooh, and he may feel a bit paranoid about how he "stacks up" against the countless others. It could be a confidence killer I guess..... I just don't hear many pastors (many of which have had several missteps of their own) encouraging women who have had missteps by telling the story of Mary Magdalene and how important she ended up being to Jesus. And the Bible doesn't tell the rest of her life story, but I'm sure she went on to get married and have a sex life that was off-the-chain :).

Of course, it is beautiful to value your spirit, your self as a sexual being, valuing your body, and valuing your life.......... and maintaining your virginity is very symbolic of all of that. I'm just saying that you can still do that even if you are no longer a virgin. Even if you're married. EVEN if you were previously a Whore! And a virgin can fail to do that by saving herself for someone who, because he hasn't saved himself, doesn't really think that they are enough. A woman who saves herself, should do so for herself and her commitment to God. If she saves herself for her husband, she just may find herself in her own "confidence killing" situation.

It needs to be stated, for the record, that most women (even those who have not officially had sex) don't fall into the category of either the Madonna or the Whore. Most of us (especially the longer we remain single), fall somewhere in the middle.

After years of gilt, and a few instances I've blocked out, I value the fact that I have had experiences. All of our experiences, sexual ones included, make up who we are today. I was not the Madonna, and I wasn't a Whore. I am now a devoted wife and mother. In fact, by age 27 I was married with three kids. Some might think that I was too young, that I haven't lived...... but I don't think I'll ever feel like I missed out. I had a ton of fun pre-marriage........ in fact, I had just enough to remember that it wasn't always all that fun. Living that life makes me value the life I have now. Having had sex, makes me truly value making love. Perhaps being experienced has helped eliminate the insecurity that some woman will endanger my marriage because she is comfortable doing something that I know nothing about........And not being too experienced has helped me to not scare my man to death by introducing something HE knows nothing about.(HA!)

I think that what men really want, depends on the man. Most often it isn't the Madonna, and it isn't the Whore. Men want someone who is honest. Someone that they can relate to. Someone who is flawed, and someone who loves him without regard to his flaws. Someone strong yet soft.......confident yet humble. Someone they can grow with both spiritually and sexually. The choice to keep or lose one's virginity should not simply be based on whether or not someone asks for it. And I think the key, whether a woman is a virgin or not, is that the choice to give yourself in marriage shouldn't simply be based on whether or not someone asks either.