OK.........So, sometimes it's hard to write these blogs. I'm at a point in my life where I know who I am and for better or for worse, I'm open to share it with the world if I think it may be relatable to someone else. I also know, however, that some of the people that have helped create my story may not quite be at this point, so I'll try to stay as cryptic as possible......
I loved the wrong man once. He was tall, dark, and his body was ........oh so Greek :) I would like to say that things were great at first, but the truth is......the wrong man always has a way of showing you what you're getting into right up front.
After talking for months without a real first date, we spent Valentines weekend together. There was a first kiss.......and about a week later another. The problem? One of those kisses was not with me, it was with a random girl from one of his classes..........who I happened to have known since the 5th grade! Maybe it was because he had no idea we knew each other, perhaps the way he insisted that she was lying and I had simply confessed too much was truly convincing, or maybe I was just too naive at 19 to know better......but a few months later, I found myself right back with my new friend and out of contact with my old one.
Now, in the midst of one of the most happy times in my life, I find myself with a few regrets. One of these.......spending YEARS on and off and on again with Mr. Wrong. If you have been there, you know...... It kind of feels like you're drowning even though you know you can swim. It hurts so bad, but you trick yourself into thinking its worthwhile He said he loved me, and even though I knew it wasn't true.......it gave me this high. It felt almost better than hearing it from Mr Right. Then every time he silently proved that he couldn't care less, I allowed it to hurt even though I KNEW it was coming. I've always believed that I truly loved him once, but maybe I was just addicted to the pain.
Why do we do this to ourselves? I always (ok, after age 18) prided myself on knowing exactly how to handle men. I had figured out how to keep men that I knew wanted to sleep with me as friends, I had figured out how to stop um.....things even when it seemed to have gone too far, and I had even figured out how to go from friend to girlfriend myself. The one thing I could not figure out......how to get out of the throws of Mr Wrong. Did the insecure 6th grade girl I thought I had shed in high school just need to be treated like shit every once in a while for old times sake? I mean even after I had screamed and told him to NEVER call me again, he found me at work, looked into my eyes, and I just couldn't tell him to go away. When I was with someone else and we were friends, he would only call me, or send an "I miss you" e-mail the day after my boyfriend and I had a fight. How did he know this? Was fate or the devil at play here? Foolish as I knew it was, I just couldn't completely cut him off.
Thank God things change....
The last time I saw him, I had something to tell him. Our story would not end like Carrie and Mr Big's......... I was engaged (to my Aiden:) )! There would be no break-up for him to swoop in and rescue me from this time. It was finally over. I felt relieved. I knew that finally allowing my love to flow free for Mr Right had at last released me from Mr Wrong. I mean, what was I thinking keeping a guy in my life that was still unsure what he wanted after YEARS, when I had a man that I truly loved knowing for so long that he wanted to call me his WIFE? I had seen the light, and it finally felt like the happy ending to a fairy tale (with a curvy black princess! LOL).
Lately, though, I don't see it that way at all. I feel a little sad about how my story ended. It actually was like one of those stupid fairy tales that teach little girls to put up with crap until some white knight comes to rescue them! And although all of that is romantic and sounds nice.... and although I'm really happy to be free and in love....... I wish that it didn't take the love of Mr Right to rescue me. I wish I had loved myself enough to rescue myself...... even when I didn't know if I would have a happily ever after. If I could do it all over....... I would somehow find the strength to break free. I would love myself enough to not answer the door when I SPECIFICALLY asked him to call before dropping by. I would love myself enough to walk over and introduce myself when I saw him in the distance giving someone a suspicious hug. AND I would DEFINITELY love myself enough to never feel the guilt of fornication without even the hope of real satisfaction. (I probably could have left that part out huh?)
So if it's not too late for you........ Make the decision to love you right now. Stop waiting for something to happen and save yourself! Rescue you! You know when it's not what you're looking for! You know that people don't really change! You know that you probably won't be as hot in your 30s as you are in your 20s! You know that one of the other 6 billion people in the world is the perfect person for you........and believe me.......he's worth waiting for! (Feel free to reference my "satisfaction" comment now :) )
I think this is a problem that women face universally, but for some reason we all think we go through it alone.
ReplyDeleteI have female friends in all stages of their lives -- from 22 and just starting out, to 40's and divorced -- who seem to fall into this pattern. The one thing I've noticed is that it always seems to happen at a time when they are vulnerable, and once that Mr. Wrong jerk has them in his clutches, they find it very hard to let go.
I love your advice! Don't get over a man with another man, get over that jerk because he just isn't worth a curvy black princess, or a curvy white princess, or a skinny, blue, frazzle-haired princess. I just wish that was as easy to do as it is to say.